The Great Cavern war part 1 - Macduff

Cryios099

Member
"There are no wizards, dragons, centaurs, demons,devils,ruff riders, frensis, giant spiders, hydras, drakes, phenoix's, druids, elf's, gargoyles, griffons, stone giants, titans, skeletons, wraiths, vampires, litches, witches, warlocks, cyclops, goblins, minotars or half-lings around here. So why you spend all your free time reading about such nonsense is beyond me." The master gardener as he liked to be called spat on the floor as he barked out the last words of his phrase. He was old now and after a hard long life he had three sons whom the eldest he paid the most attention to. He was speaking to the second oldest whom just informed his father that he was pursuing a military career. Gaius was his name. It had been nearly 100 years after to last war ended. New haven was the name of the town that Gaius and his family lived it. It was peaceful almost nothing happened at all after it was settled. The heart of Gaius was restless. He was so excited to officially join the military that he barely slept at all. The next day he was the first to line up outside the barracks waiting to be let in. Gaius always believed that the town barracks was a thing of beauty. The upper brass knew better. "Dirt Hole" was the nickname they used to describe it. The Second Person to join Gaius at the entrance was his childhoom friend Ticius. Ticius was mush slender and quieter then Gaius and his uprining was much different. He wanted to become a wizard just like his father. Ticius was reading a book when Gaius first say him and asked what it was about. "A book about rings" said Ticius and showed the book to his friend. Gaius took the book and read a small bit. He laughed out loud and said "This part says there is a golden right that makes you invisible. How stupid is that."
 

Sparrow

Hestia of the Hearth
Thanks for posting - I hope there are many parts!

I'm intrigued that the father "liked to be called" the master gardener. It makes him sound like he's someone in disguise, someone from one of those stories that he's saying are "not around here".

Cryios099, I'd love to hear more about how this story came to be!
You've asked for "MacDuff" level observations, so here's what I'm thinking - have you done the phase of reading it aloud to yourself yet? I think that your words got tangled up here and could use a re-write to clarify: "he had three sons whom the eldest he paid the most attention to".

"He was speaking to the second oldest whom just informed his father" since the second oldest (Gaius) is the subject of "had just informed his father", you can use "who just informed his father". Save "whom" for the object of verbs or prepositions.

When you introduce the name of the town - it sounds as though "New Haven was the name of the town" is the most important part of that sentence to you - is that indeed the case? Or is it that Gaius and family live there and you're establishing their setting? "Gaius and his family lived in New Haven" would make it obvious that "New Haven" is the name of the place they lived without using extra words.

To make it easier on the reader, would you consider paragraph breaks where the speaker or subject changes?

Love the reference to a gold ring!
 

Cryios099

Member
Thanks for helping me show the error of my ways. I have not written anything for fun for almost 10 years and I want to be ripped to shreds by you lovers of Tolkien. There will be more to come. Gaius and Ticius are references to a work by C.S.Lewis
 
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